May 2009: My fitness goal is to run someday a whole lap around the track…

The other day I ran into a colleague at an event that I had apparently not seen for a while but didn’t realize it.  In fact, we had just emailed back and forth that morning. But when I said hello to her and started talking, there was a blank look on her face and it was obvious that she didn’t recognize me.  “You don’t know who I am, do you?”  I asked, and she shook her head no. “I’m Amy Dietz.”  She was so taken aback that she kept saying, “Oh my God! You look so different! You don’t even look like you!”  The next day she called to apologize as she was embarrassed that she had not known me, and hoped that it did not make me feel uncomfortable. She wanted to convey that her reaction, more than anything, was a compliment because of how healthy and fit I look now. I assured her that I was not offended and said that I have had other people not recognize me.

I mulled about it though, as I do when others who have known me a long time clearly don’t seem to know who I am. I still see myself as mostly the same person at 154lbs as once 274lbs, but just a smaller version.  How can I look THAT different?

But then I came across some goals I made for myself in May 2009. Some of the more personal ones I have removed to spare you TMI, but here they are:

Amy’s Goals for Fitness – May 2009

• To not be awkward and inflexible picking things up from the floor.
• Snore less so I don’t bother Kevin or be embarrassed
• Put lotion on my feet easier
• Turn over easier in bed
• Go down stairs like I am 20 again
• To like seeing a picture of myself
• To swim in a pool in public
• To lower blood pressure
• To walk with someone and not worry that I will be out of breath and need to pant or can’t talk (so embarrassing)
• To ride Celeste (s/b 200lbs or less)
• To not look away when walking past mirrors and store windows. I want to want to look at myself
• To ride in an airplane and put tray down and not worry about seat belt extender
• Not worry about breaking the treadmill (again)
• Fit on amusement park rides
• To sit with my legs crossed
• To be able to wear sleeveless and like my arms
• To not take up so much personal space
• To not have food fall on me when I eat
• Get rid of my stomach that overhangs in pants
• To use a laptop computer on my lap in an airport or other confined space
• To run someday a whole lap around the track
• Not worry about parking too close to other cars and not getting out easily
• Fit a towel around me as to not reveal anything private
• Wear my wedding band
• Wear smaller necklace chains and not feel choked
• Not worry if a chair will break if I sit on it
• Sitting comfortably in an auditorium chair
• To be in a restaurant and not worry about being mushed in a booth or in a chair that is too close to the table behind me
• Look awesome!
• Not shop in the “woman’s” section
• Not worry about breaking the riding mower
• Get nails
• Reclaim my life – stop dying by inches!
• not to feel public bathroom stalls are too small
• To not be the biggest person in a photo
• When in a car with other people, not take up more than my share of a seat
• To wear high heels comfortably and not feel I look foolish
• To get a massage
• To have my clothes fit on hangers and not fall off because they are so big
• To feel like a sexual being rather than asexual and matronly
• Look at myself and not think I am huge
• Not feel stiff in the morning
• Not feel the sides of chairs when I sit in them
• To be able to put the pull down desk on my lap in Penn State classrooms
• To not worry about people noticing my fat
• To not think I am putting a lot of pressure on car springs
• Sit comfortably outside and not worry about awkwardly getting up
• Interview for a job and not worry about appearance of fat
• no longer having “fat” sweat – from changes in temp
• wear feminine underwear, not granny pants
• To run a short distance without being out of breath
• For doctor’s office not to have to use the larger blood pressure cuff
• To not mind being in front when pictures are taken in a group
• Wear high heels and feel comfortable
• To not have cellulite on my calves
• To have lost more weight than I need to lose
• To wear makeup and not feel like a clown

I have reached every one of these goals and created a whole bunch of new ones along the way.  Simply by exercising consistently and eating a target calorie count of 1500 calories a day.  These are my fitness goals now:

Amy’s Goals for Fitness – June 2013

• Run the Arts Fest 10 miler in 1:40 (Race rules state all participants must finish under this time)
• Master correct Clean & Press form
• Lose 15lbs for the Oct. 20th Hershey 1/2 marathon to make it easier to run
• Don’t look like such a ding dong in Sh’Bam – seriously relax!
• Give up artificial sweetener and diet soda one of these days

I still struggle with portion size and have banned as many foods from my shopping cart as the list of weight loss goals above to keep me vigilant and to avoid cravings.  Foods that tempt me too much (like desserts and processed food) are a metaphor for the chains I left behind and refuse to experience again.  I am way too vulnerable to sugar spikes and compulsive eating to think I can ever eat like my slender friends.  Avoiding certain foods all together is much easier than trying to deal with them on any level. I never use food as a reward, not even after exercising intensely.  Sorry Dairy Queen, but I broke up with you a long time ago. I consider a work out my treats these days and I crave them. Compared to the limitations obesity caused and knowing what it means to feel the way I do now, mindful eating is a sacrifice I willingly make. I know why the caged bird sings!

Upon reflection, I really shouldn’t be surprised when friends need to be reintroduced to me.  When I jump off a bench in STEP, or do multiple squat burpees in GRIT, I feel like I am a kid inside.  Inside I am always smiling and feel it reach all the way down to the toes that I can polish myself!

Sometimes I don’t recognize me either.  But I sure am enjoying getting to know this me!